I have to admit just writing the title of this post scares the shit out of me. But I’m in a place of accepting this may the way little Lilah has to come into the world.
Not only were my first 2 births homebirths, they were unassisted homebirths ~ I labored totally on my own and only let my husband in when I felt each baby wiggling out. Both were indescribable peak experiences. Each left me feeling incredibly POWERFUL, like I could do absolutely anything. Sometimes I draw upon the power of these births when I’m feeling the need for confidence or empowerment.
Even though I would prefer to only give birth in this manner, I’ve had the feeling since the beginning of this pregnancy that Lilah may need something a little different. My husband has even admitted to wanting more support for this particular birth, for reasons he is unable to articulate. I think we are both picking up on Lilah’s needs and I’ve often had the vision of a midwife here at our house silently in the background while I labor.
Just making the leap from unassisted homebirth to a midwife attended homebirth is a big leap for me….and now it’s my best case scenario.
I’ve had a migraine headache for the past 10 days and despite energy work, acupuncture, and an appointment with a chiropractor just 4 hours ago, it’s still there full-force and throbbing away.
I’m very fortunate to have a midwife I’ve been able to call-on (as unassisted birthers like myself are a huge liability to them) and she’s been helping me the past week. She got high blood pressure readings from me the last 2 days, and that on top of a migraine can indicate a problem. So together with my husband we all discussed the different scenarios that may happen, and one of them just may be to go to the hospital and get the baby OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d ever have this kind of conversation….and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d find a place of acceptance this quickly.
But one of the beauties of pre-birth communication is being able to tune in to our children and their needs, and if this is what she needs then I’m on board…even if it does scare the shit out of me.
Luckily my blood pressure has come down (I’m thinking it was caffeine-induced, as I NEVER drink caffeine and I’ve been throwing it back with tylenol to ease my headache pain). My husband has been monitoring it constantly and both he and the chiropractor got readings of 118/80.
But the headache…oh, the headache.
So, what am I doing? Due to a fortuitous phone conversation from Amanda, one of my Fairy-Friends in Guam last night, ( who happened to call at a time I was up throbbing in pain) I’ve decided to prepare for both. I’m going to contact a doctor and write up a birth plan while I also talk to my midwife about being here at home for the birth.
My first two births taught me how powerful I am, and I now know no one can rob me of that power. And as I’ve said to a couple of my friends since last night, maybe I had these 2 wonderful births to prove to myself how empowering birth can be at home…and maybe my role right now is to prove how empowering birth can be at a hospital, no matter what the circumstances.
No matter what happens, I’m trusting….trusting my daughter, trusting that all is unfolding exactly as it should, and trusting I’ll come out of this more powerful than ever….
P.S. I think I’m beginning to understand why I started this blog so close to birth ~ Lilah wants to talk to you too and have you witness our journey, no matter what it may be.
UPDATE: Good news from my midwife ~ it’s NOT preeclampsia. My urine is healthy, my blood is healthy, and my blood pressure is back to normal. Baby is fine too. The headaches seem to be an anomaly. I’ve been getting a lot of support and energy work and am feeling about 20% better (though I’m soooooo exhausted). I’m still exploring all options and have an appt with a hospital midwife on Monday. All bases are being covered and I’m open to whatever direction it takes. Thank you ALL so much for your love and support ~ it’s bolstered me during this challenging time. Love to you!