Confessions from My Baby-Moon (or the Things a Mama “Shouldn’t” Say)

First off, in case you’re not familiar with the term “baby-moon” it’s very similar to a honeymoon ~ except it’s the bonding and falling in love with a newborn baby. Typically the baby-moon phase lasts anywhere between 4-12 weeks. I’m smack-dab in the middle of week number 2 and oh, how fiercely I love my little dark-haired son. Oh, the moments of bliss as I touch his tiny little toes and kiss his sweet little mouth. And when he’s awake and looking around with his dark blue newborn eyes, I truly feel as though I’m in the presence of greatness. So often I’m moved to tears as I luxuriate in his beauty and his newness.

But, I must confess, it’s not always like this. When he was just 2 days old and I was still grappling with the shock that I was nuzzling a boy instead of my Lilah I started to feel anger…no, RAGE…bubbling up inside me. It was night-time and my husband, Graeme, and I were trying to navigate bedtime with our 6 year old son Finn and 3 year old son Roan, as well as take care of our newborn son Kai. My 3 year old had been awakened by the baby and we had to start all over. As Graeme went downstairs with our Baby Kai, I noticed the rage gurgling in my heart. I wasn’t angry with Roan for waking up or with Kai for waking him up…I was angry with Lilah. VERY angry. Overcome with fatigue, overtaken with exhaustion, and overwhelmed with the realization that I had yet another nursling who will be attached constantly, limiting my time and my freedom, I really let her have it. I was willing to do this all over again for HER ~ as I felt she’d been asking. Frankly, I never really thought of having three children until she came to me and for HER I decided to do it.

So I started mentally yelling at her. “How DARE you!” I raged.  “How DARE you! After 3 years of dreams, intuitions, and visions of you! After all the promises of you! How DARE you visit my friends in dreams! How DARE you make me draw the “Daughter” card over and over from my oracle decks! How DARE you send me all these signs that you’re on your way! I put myself out there claiming my certainty of you thinking I was spreading the magic of prebirth communication…and now I feel that everyone is disappointed for me! How DARE you not show up!”  

The anger, I must admit, felt REALLY GOOD. I allowed myself to rage as needed, silently and quietly in my head. The next morning I woke up with it still lingering as I vehemently cleared the “Daughter” card from my alter and covered her name up on my vision board. And as I did this I heard her say, “Your anger is appropriate. Give it to me ~ I can handle it.” So I did and I even called her a few choice names as I yelled and cried.

My beloved husband came in shortly thereafter, saw my tears and asked if I wanted to talk about it. “Okay,” I said, “But it’s not going to be pretty.” And then he provided me with a safe place to vent and process my feelings, with no judgment. He fully supported me and even agreed with me, which is what I so badly needed.

As the day continued on I started to feel more peaceful and, at times, even elated. I felt Lilah again and I felt her celebrating. My anger was not only appropriate, it was essential ~ and acknowledging it instead of repressing it was allowing me forward LEAPS in our journey. It would have been so easy to repress it ~ as we’re just not “supposed” to have such thoughts after giving birth to a healthy baby. And we’re certainly not “supposed” to talk about it. But acknowledging those things I’m not “supposed” to brought me to a new place ~ a place not just of acceptance, but a place of embracement (it’s not a word, but it should be). I found a place where it finally started to feel RIGHT to say the name “Kai,” a place where it feels PERFECT to have another boy, and a place where I don’t have to understand everything in order to be at PEACE with it.

Interestingly enough, I’ve never felt a shred of anger toward my newborn, Kai. Curiosity yes, anger no. And maybe that’s because I was gifted with safe places to process my anger ~ with my husband and with Lilah.

Many friends have said they don’t feel like Lilah and I are done, and I can’t help but agree. I don’t know what form it will take but I feel we’re destined to meet one day. In the meantime I’m finally (and quickly) in a state of embracing and rejoicing Kai. Thank you, Lilah and Kai, for the gifts in each moment of our journeys together. I love you both….

Our Angel, Kai

16 comments on “Confessions from My Baby-Moon (or the Things a Mama “Shouldn’t” Say)

  1. I am glad you found the courage to feel all those feelings, and that you had supportive, safe places to express it. Enjoy the rest of your babymoon!

  2. Aw sweetie, you are amazing. It seems this journey has been filled with allowing yourself to feel your feelings! Good for you for letting yourself. 🙂 Happy babymoon 🙂 xoxoxox

  3. I’ve enjoyed reading this piece it is always good to allow some feelings and channel them appropriately. All these are very much expected. stay blessed and enjoy Baby kai and her brothers. i very much identify with you. I have three boys as well

  4. It seems that Lillah is a very strong woman…. even though she is not here. Perhaps she knew Kai needed to be here. So glad you have such a supportive and safe place in your husband! Your new son is awesome! That day I saw him I could hardly speak! Did you notice that I did’nt even ask what his name was? ENJOY!!

  5. This is so powerful, Kate… I only hope I can support my doula clients as well as Graeme and Lilah have supported you!

  6. Hmmm.. I just had a thought that I wonder if you’ve had… if you think I’m crazy feel free to tell me!

    I wonder if you NEED Kai for a variety of reasons, probably healing ones, and Spirit/Angels/Lilah knew you wouldn’t go for it unless you thought it was going to be daughter? Spirits can be awfully playful sometimes… 😉

    Either way, I think this whole parenting experience is going to be magical and eye-opening and life-changing in more ways than you can imagine!

  7. I have to say Kate, that I’m very moved by your story. I had the same experience lately. I have a 3 year old daughter and when I got pregnant again, I dreamt of another baby girl and I really felt her inside me. I was 100% sure it was a girl. I gave birth to a dark-haired baby boy too! I have to admit at first it was so awkward. I love him sooooooo much now. I never knew I could love him so much!! 🙂
    Hugs to you and your sweet babies 🙂

  8. Kate thank you for your honesty and for honoring your self, your son, your Lilah. I hear you and feel you and I know other women who have had experiences such as this. We cannot pretend to know why things happen the way they do but we can embrace them and allow ourselves to feel all that is evoked by such experiences. I really love your honesty and open-ness, it’s inspiring and opening. Much love to you and your beautiful family.
    And I must admit, tears came to my eyes as I read this because I have a little girl who I miscarried 4 years ago around me. I call her my little “Leela” which i’m not sure is the same as how you pronounce Lilah but I know she’s around and I have wondered if a boy would come first. I have a son now and think she’s next, but who knows?
    So much love to you.

  9. Love this post Kate. I really appreciate your honesty. I had a hard time after the birth of my daughter because the birth itself was very traumatic and it left me with a LOT of post birth anxiety. I think you are setting a great example for others by being honest about your post-birth feelings and I really admire you for that!

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