I have to admit just writing the title of this post scares the shit out of me. But I’m in a place of accepting this may the way little Lilah has to come into the world.
Not only were my first 2 births homebirths, they were unassisted homebirths ~ I labored totally on my own and only let my husband in when I felt each baby wiggling out. Both were indescribable peak experiences. Each left me feeling incredibly POWERFUL, like I could do absolutely anything. Sometimes I draw upon the power of these births when I’m feeling the need for confidence or empowerment.
Even though I would prefer to only give birth in this manner, I’ve had the feeling since the beginning of this pregnancy that Lilah may need something a little different. My husband has even admitted to wanting more support for this particular birth, for reasons he is unable to articulate. I think we are both picking up on Lilah’s needs and I’ve often had the vision of a midwife here at our house silently in the background while I labor.
Just making the leap from unassisted homebirth to a midwife attended homebirth is a big leap for me….and now it’s my best case scenario.
I’ve had a migraine headache for the past 10 days and despite energy work, acupuncture, and an appointment with a chiropractor just 4 hours ago, it’s still there full-force and throbbing away.
I’m very fortunate to have a midwife I’ve been able to call-on (as unassisted birthers like myself are a huge liability to them) and she’s been helping me the past week. She got high blood pressure readings from me the last 2 days, and that on top of a migraine can indicate a problem. So together with my husband we all discussed the different scenarios that may happen, and one of them just may be to go to the hospital and get the baby OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d ever have this kind of conversation….and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d find a place of acceptance this quickly.
But one of the beauties of pre-birth communication is being able to tune in to our children and their needs, and if this is what she needs then I’m on board…even if it does scare the shit out of me.
Luckily my blood pressure has come down (I’m thinking it was caffeine-induced, as I NEVER drink caffeine and I’ve been throwing it back with tylenol to ease my headache pain). My husband has been monitoring it constantly and both he and the chiropractor got readings of 118/80.
But the headache…oh, the headache.
So, what am I doing? Due to a fortuitous phone conversation from Amanda, one of my Fairy-Friends in Guam last night, ( who happened to call at a time I was up throbbing in pain) I’ve decided to prepare for both. I’m going to contact a doctor and write up a birth plan while I also talk to my midwife about being here at home for the birth.
My first two births taught me how powerful I am, and I now know no one can rob me of that power. And as I’ve said to a couple of my friends since last night, maybe I had these 2 wonderful births to prove to myself how empowering birth can be at home…and maybe my role right now is to prove how empowering birth can be at a hospital, no matter what the circumstances.
No matter what happens, I’m trusting….trusting my daughter, trusting that all is unfolding exactly as it should, and trusting I’ll come out of this more powerful than ever….
P.S. I think I’m beginning to understand why I started this blog so close to birth ~ Lilah wants to talk to you too and have you witness our journey, no matter what it may be.
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UPDATE: Good news from my midwife ~ it’s NOT preeclampsia. My urine is healthy, my blood is healthy, and my blood pressure is back to normal. Baby is fine too. The headaches seem to be an anomaly. I’ve been getting a lot of support and energy work and am feeling about 20% better (though I’m soooooo exhausted). I’m still exploring all options and have an appt with a hospital midwife on Monday. All bases are being covered and I’m open to whatever direction it takes. Thank you ALL so much for your love and support ~ it’s bolstered me during this challenging time. Love to you!
Love from Baby 
Thinking of you Kate……
I think you’re so wise to listen to your body and your baby, and that whatever happens it will be a beautiful experience for you all. Thinking of you and sending lots of love and light.
I wish I had a story like yours but after 2 1/2 days of a non medicated labor they had to take my son by c-section 7 weeks early. My daughter even wound up being a c-section after 2 weeks off and on of labor as did my 3rd child. I wish nothing more than to have a “normal” birth. But I guess it’s not I’m my plans. I hope your able to have a home birth. If anyone has any advice for me I would live to hear it.
Wishing you a wonderful birthing experience whatever direction it may take.
You are indeed powerful and very good soul…whatever is best for you and Lilah would happen! Have Faith 🙂
Kate, you continue to inspire me. You, your family and Lilah are all working together in such beautiful and growing ways. Sending love…
Kate,
You are a fabulous woman and I know you will be fine regardless of what birth method happens. Women have joyous c-sections every day! Even though that’s not your ideal I’m sure it will work out beautifully. It is so easy for me to say these things when I’m not the one giving up the UC! I am glad you have been able to find acceptance and I hope I can too if I ever find myself in your situation!
Good luck with the birth, don’t worry too much about it not being a home birth, the important thing is Lilah is delivered safely and healthily into this world…xx
I think you are in a perfect place, open to new things, knowing that each experience is it’s own and brings something unique and special and needed to our consciousness. I’m confident your sweet little one will come healthy, happy, and in her own time. Holding you in a space of peace and health, dearest.
I think no matter how it works out, it will be for the absolute best and I can’t wait to hear all about it!! Much love and light to you, thank you for inspiring all of us!
Kate,
Many blessings to you and Lilah. You are an amazing woman and mom and your instight and intuition will guide you to her beautiful birth which ever route she takes. You are very inspiring to me!!/Jenn
My sweet Kate – life unfolds as it should – always remember the Lord’s Prayer, “Thy Will will be done”….so trust God and your baby and also yourself and all will be GOOD…
Love and light to you always
Having had four amazing, wonderful unassisted homebirths, and then an unplanned C-section for my fifth darling one, I can tell you that you will find yourself blessed and affirmed by whatever path this birth takes. That’s not to say you will not have any processing to do, and perhaps some grieving for the “lost homebirth”, because of course you may still work through those emotions. However, because you have some foreshadowing that things may not go as anticipated, you are in a better place to relax into the flow and allow things to unfurl as needed. From my own experience, I know that having had the unassisted births before taught me to trust my body and to trust my baby, and that we are deeply connected to our pregnancies and births — one thing I remember from my C-section was my husband saying afterward, “He wanted us to experience something different.” I would never choose a C-section if there’s a chance of a UC – certainly not – but his birth was affirming in new ways, and that ultimately was a beautiful thing. However Lilah comes into the world, she will bring with her her own special blessings, and that’s an amazing thing.
Hi Kate! I just came on the computer tonight to email YOU, and see how you were doing. You have been on my mind for a few days now. When I had Giuseppe we wanted to have a homebirth. We were at home for 2 days and nights …..with me getting no sleep. We ended up having him in the hospital. I still cry to think of it…and i don’t too often. EVERYTHING that we did not want…happened. Short of a c-section. And I will never have the chance to give birth again. BUT…we have a totally healthy boy!!!! Then a friend reminded me that the birth was GIUSEPPE”S! It was HIS birth, and we had been where we needed to be. It was where HE was supposed to be born! To this day I still have a hard time listening to him and where he wants to be. But HE always knows! You listen to your girl!!! She won’t steer you wrong…after all she picked YOU to be her mother! I am SO jealous of you for being able to give birth at home TWICE!!!! I will NEVER get to do that. I am also HAPPY for you! Now if I can just stop crying. You trust her….and trust yourself Kate. I can’t wait to meet this wonderful baby!!! NONE of it may go as planned….LET IT ALL GO and do what you need to do!!!HUGS!!!!!!
each pregnancy is different, pray and take advices. Do it for your baby. All the best
Thinking of you surrounded in love, light and smiles!! You are magnificent and you and your baby are a spectacular team now and always!!
wishing you all the best kate. i love the way you communicate with lilah
Kate, thank you for contributing to my son’s marvelous birth through your CDs. I accepted that he would arrive at a hospital, but had a clear birthplan which indicated that I was NOT going to have ANY interventions unless they were absolutely required. I thank God that my son’s birth was peaceful and intervention-free, and that my midwife honored the sanctity of my experience. I pray that you will continue to trust your body and your instincts. Trust your baby. Trust that all will be as it should be. Cast your fears, apprehension, and anxieties aside to leave room for the purest love you can experience. Also, I agree that perhaps you will serve as an empowering example to other women who choose to birth at hospitals. Be encouraged, Kate. I support you, and I see that many others do too. Your perspective is great…this is all for your little Lilah. May her birth be blessed.
Thank you all SO MUCH! (If I had the energy I’d respond to you all individually.) So many of your posts touched me and spoke to my heart. I can’t thank you enough for all your positive thoughts and vibes ~ Lilah and I can feel the love.
I’ve included an UPDATE at the bottom of the post, so scroll up to see the latest. Love, love, LOVE to you!
~ Kate
Yay! Great update!!! Sending more healing vibes for your headaches and positive energy to a beautiful birth. xoxo
Just had to reply. It’s Kate from the homeschool group. I hope you have a beautiful birth, however your babe arrives. A toast to you for listening to your heart and being open to whatever path arises. I had a cesarean, a hospital VBAC, and a wonderful homebirth, in that order. Each birth was special in its own way and I treasure the birth experience of each of my babies. Blessings to you.
Kate Heiser